My Critters

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My Critters

I love my critters

I was churched, and I don't care what anybody says, they're all going to heaven with me.

Prince George

George looks like he'd like to tear into your throat, but don't let looks fool you. He's really nothing but a big sweetheart.

Old Stump

Old Stump is a real pothead. He got into my stash one day and liked it so much that I started baking nuggets for him. His day's not complete unless he has at least half a dozen of these. Really mellows him out. It don't bother me none. I like to share. Cost is nothing. I always have something growing in the woods. Like they say, "Grow the best, grow your own." And save a bundle!

Willy the Mole

Willy came into my life one day when I was trying to drawn him with my garden hose. He came up out of his hole, soaked like a soppy rag, and looked at me as if to say, "What the fuck's the matter with you, lady? You trying to kill me or something?" To make a long story short, we been friends ever since.

Willy the Mole cleaned up

He's a handsome fella when he's all slicked up, ain't he?

Maxie Two-Face

I got a lot of love for Maxie. A neighbor was going to put him down when he was born because of his deformity. But I figure God is blind when it comes to beauty and that's good enough for me.

Snowball

Snowball is a real lady and pretty as a picture when she's dry. Looks just like her name too. Only weird thing about her is that she likes to eat her own poo. I've tried to teach her not to but she just don't seem to understand that there are better things to chew on than dry turds.

Pete

Pete has an attitude. I guess I'm lucky he's not a pitbull. I think he might be gay too. I seen him and Tweaker going at it a few times. Tweaker don't seem to mind and that's probably because nothing really bothers him one way or another.

Fifi

Fifi's is as vain as an aging movie queen. That wig she wears is something as essential to her everyday life as her tail. I put it on one day and showed her in the mirror how she looked and ever since she won't stop caterwauling until the wig is firmly back on her head.

Clyde

Clyde's been with me since he was born. My idea was to raise him and put him on the menu. But the day I was going to slice his throat, he looked at me with his big brown eyes and started crying, making really sad whimpering sounds. And I just couldn't bring myself to do him in.

Moody Sue

Sue kind of reminds me of my mother, sort of stern and emotionless. But she's a nice critter anyway. Wish I could say the same thing about my momma.

Tweaker

Tweaker always looks like this. It's like he's in some kind of walking coma.

Samson

Samson is a dandy and full of love. He came into my life one day and just settled in. I don't know where he came from. One day he just showed up and stayed. He never gives me any trouble like some of the others.

Big Ears

I found this critter one day by the swamp. He was just a tiny thing, half starved and about as big as a mouse. I think he was orphaned. I bottle fed him until he was nice and fat. He loves eating roaches so I keep him at the crab shack. There's hardly a roach in the place.